MOURN | 40 Days of Focus, Day 19

 

Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
(Matthew 5:4 | NIV) 

You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
(Matthew 5:4 | The Message)

Enneagram Type Fours are commonly known as Individualists or Romantics. They tend to be more creative types – painters, musicians, authors, poets, etc. They have a unique way of seeing the world, and they want to be seen by the world as unique. They are driven by a desire to be special, different, authentic, but most of all to be accepted for who they are. You may not know who they are from one week to the next as they try on different personas and styles.

But the thing that really sets Fours apart from most other types is their comfort with melancholy. Fours tend to be drawn to sad movies, heartfelt TV dramas, and emotional indie music. They embrace sorrow like it’s a close friend. It’s been said that Fours don’t have emotions, they are emotions.

This comfort with sorrow can likely be attributed to their own feelings of brokenness. Many Fours grew up feeling different from everyone else. It might be a physical abnormality – too tall, too short, glasses, freckles, curly hair, anything that can cause a child to feel self-conscious. Or it might be a different way of interacting with the world and their peers – they might be into different types of books, movies, tv shows, or cosplay than most other kids their age. But somewhere along they way they begin to believe that there is something wrong and different and bad about them. They feel like they don’t belong and they never will. It’s like there are key pieces missing in the puzzle of their lives.

Fours have a deep seated envy of others whom they perceive as “normal.” They want what other people have, they want to be accepted and find belonging, but they don’t want to conform or be thought of as “normal.” This tension can lead to a predisposition for anxiety and depression.

But I believe Fours, or “those who mourn,” can teach us a very valuable lesson. So many of us would rather reframe a bad situation, crack a joke to lighten the mood, or avoid the pain altogether. Fours teach us the value in sitting with our pain and our sorrow. They teach us to lean into our emotions, not away from them. Fours teach us the truth of Ecclesiastes 7:

It is better to go to a house of mourning
than to go to a house of feasting,
for death is the destiny of everyone;
the living should take this to heart.
Frustration is better than laughter,
because a sad face is good for the heart.
The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning,
but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure.
(Ecclesiastes 7:2-4)

We cannot find comfort if we never allow ourselves to truly feel, to mourn, to grieve. If we keep going through life with a forced smile on our face pretending that “everything is awesome,” then we’re not opening ourselves up to the possibility of true peace and comfort.

The LEGO Movie featured the popular song “Everything Is Awesome.” But the sequel that just came out (The LEGO Movie 2, the Second Part) features a different take on that song. Just look at these lyrics.

Everything’s not awesome
Things can’t be awesome all of the time
It’s not realistic expectation
But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try
To make everything awesome
In a less like, unrealistic kind of way
We should maybe aim for not bad
‘Cause not bad, well that would be real great

Mourning is part of life. Things can’t be awesome all of the time. We should stop telling people to “cheer up” or to “get over it.” We should stop expecting people to grieve on our timeline and in our approved way. Jesus himself is referred to as “a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.” Jesus comes to us in our distress, in our grief, in our depression, and he doesn’t tell us to “turnt that frown upside down.” He sits with us. He weeps with us. He feels deep compassion and empathy for us.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
(Psalm 34:18)

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Why do you think so many people try to avoid sorrow and sadness in their lives? Can you see the benefit to embracing those emotions rather than pushing them aside?

When you are going through a hard time, would you prefer someone to tell you to cheer up? Or would you rather just have someone be present with you even if they didn’t say anything?

Why would a “house of mourning” be better than a “house of feasting?”

Biblical Enneagram Types: FOURS

Do you have that friend who’s just a bit different? They’re the ones with the unique hair styles, kinda “out there” clothing choices, who listen to bands you’ve never heard of. They are outside-the-box thinkers. They don’t like to be labeled or categorized.

In fact, if they think “I’m not any of the Enneagram numbers. I’m my own number!” then they’re most likely a FOUR.

Maybe this describes you or someone you know. Fours, often called the Individualist, are, in fact, different. According to some experts, there are probably fewer Fours than any other number. Fours fear being “normal” or just like everyone else, but they also deeply desire to belong and feel accepted. That’s the tension of Fours. They want to be accepted as part of the group while maintaining their own individual identity.

This all leads to the vice of Fours: envy. They see the life everyone else has – their perfect and pretty Instagram lives – and they want that. Everyone else seems so normal and happy, why can’t I be? If Fours aren’t careful and self-aware, they can let their envy drive them to really dark places – which is where Fours like to hang out, anyway.

It’s been said, “Fours don’t have feelings. Fours are feelings.” In this way, they couldn’t be more different than their Three neighbors, who are feeling repressed. Threes have difficulty accessing and expressing their emotions. Fours have trouble NOT accessing and expressing them.

Fours see the world in a way that is profoundly concerned with beauty and truth and art. A lot of Fours are poets and artists and mystics and song writers.

One famous Four was a King.

No, I’m not talking about David. He was probably a Seven. I’m talking about King Saul. You can read his story in the book of 1 Samuel.

Saul’s life was full of twists and turns, highs and lows, and ultimately ended in tragedy. From early in his life he was signaled out as different. He was “head and shoulders” above everyone else – literally. He was a tall, stately man. But like many Fours he was full of shame and self-doubt. When the prophet Samuel first met Saul, here’s how that conversation went:

“And to whom is all the desire of Israel turned, if not to you and your whole family line?”
Saul answered, “But am I not a Benjamite, from the smallest tribe of Israel, and is not my clan the least of all the clans of the tribe of Benjamin? Why do you say such a thing to me?”
(1 Samuel 9:20-21)

Self-doubt and self-degradation are snares for a Four. Saul had no confidence in his own abilities. He had trouble seeing in himself the things that other people saw. In fact, the very next chapter records the story when Saul actually gets publicly chosen to be king – and he hides!

Finally Saul son of Kish was taken. But when they looked for him, he was not to be found. So they inquired further of the Lord, “Has the man come here yet?”
And the Lord said, “Yes, he has hidden himself among the supplies.”
They ran and brought him out, and as he stood among the people he was a head taller than any of the others. Samuel said to all the people, “Do you see the man the Lord has chosen? There is no one like him among all the people.”
(1 Samuel 10:21-24)

Saul is different than everyone else – a head taller than all the others. He was gifted in ways he didn’t even see in himself. He was unsure and lacked confidence in his abilities. And Samuel says the most “Four” thing ever – There is no one like him among all the people.

Things went ok for Saul in the beginning, but it wasn’t long before his kingship took a turn for the worst. There was a time when he achieved a victory over his enemies, the Philistines. Samuel the prophet told Saul to wait until he arrived in order to offer sacrifices to God. But Saul didn’t like that idea. He waited for a while but grew impatient.

He waited seven days, the time set by Samuel; but Samuel did not come to Gilgal, and Saul’s men began to scatter. So he said, “Bring me the burnt offering and the fellowship offerings.” And Saul offered up the burnt offering. Just as he finished making the offering, Samuel arrived, and Saul went out to greet him.
“What have you done?” asked Samuel.
(1 Samuel 13:8-10)

If some numbers on the Enneagram are prone to ask “Why?” Fours are prone to ask “Why not?” Why not me? Why not Saul? Why couldn’t Saul just go ahead with the sacrifices? Why do we have to wait for Samuel? What’s so special about Samuel? Why not me?

The envy of a Four can start out so small, but it can escalate rapidly and grow out of control. Envy cost Saul his kingdom. And envy would ultimately cost Saul his life.

Things when from bad to worse as Saul continued to spiral toward the darkness. Fours are comfortable in the melancholy and the sadness. But don’t make it where you live. Unfortunately, that’s exactly where Saul found himself. After a string of bad choices and rash misjudgments, we see a tipping point for Saul:

Now the Spirit of the Lord had departed from Saul, and an evil spirit from the Lord tormented him.
(1 Samuel 16:14)

The king’s officials brought in musicians to help calm his mood or cheer him up. It didn’t work. Saul just continued to lash out at the innocent people around him. David was one of those musicians. Saul tried multiple times to kill him. Saul even threatened his own son, Jonathan, for befriending and helping David.

In times of stress, Fours really tend to struggle with jealousy and envy of others. David was the new, rising star among the people of Israel. The people even made up songs comparing David and Saul. Unhealthy Fours are constantly comparing their lives to others – and the others always have it better than they do.

Fours, for better or worse, are outside-the-box thinkers. They will come up with solutions to problems that others never would even consider. In Saul’s life, however, this didn’t really do him much good. One of the most interesting stories from his life is when he paid a late night, costume-clad visit to a medium’s hut. (If you have a friend who suggests going to a fortune teller for fun, they’re probably a Four…)

He dawns a disguise and calls upon this witch to summon the spirit of Samuel, who had passed away some years earlier. The ghost of Samuel tells Saul that because of his sinful choices and actions, both he and his son would die in the upcoming battle. Sure enough, the next day Jonathan fell in battle. Saul witnessed it all and fell on his own sword, taking his life.

Fours have a tendency to wallow. Especially if they are unhealthy, Fours can go to that dark, sad place and have a hard time getting back out. I think that’s why Fours like to surround themselves with art and beauty. Beauty gives us a reason to hope, and hope drives us out of despair.

Saul had cut himself off from all beauty and hope, being driven by nothing other than his envy toward David. That envy fueled his own insecurities, shame, and self-doubt, ultimately leading to his demise.

Fours, your life doesn’t have to be a Shakespearean tragedy! You don’t have to live in the drama and the melancholy. Those places are fine to visit, but you don’t want to live there. Don’t settle in. Find out what is bringing on those feelings of sadness or depression and deal with them. Don’t blame it all on other people or circumstances beyond your control. Saul blamed all his problems on David instead of taking ownership of his own idiotic choices that got him into the mess.

Fours – find things that bring you true joy in life. Don’t worry so much about fitting in or being unique or whatever it might be on any given day. Focus on finding true joy and beauty in your ordinary, everyday, mundane, routine life.

Believe me, you make our lives so much more interesting just by being you.
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