Daniel N. Lee

Everyday carry (EDC) refers to the items we carry with us on a consistent daily basis. As we work our way through the modern world, there are certain events we want to be prepared for, including emergency situations.

• iPhone SE 64GB with gray & blue Otterbox Commuter case
• Timex Expedition watch, matte black with blue second hand accent and interchangeable 20mm nylon straps (I have gray, blue, black, brown, and olive)
• Forrest & Harold slimeline wallet, mostly for cards, with a money clip for holding cash
• Cheap-o Foster Grant sunglasses from Wal-Mart
• Gerber Swagger knife with assisted opening
• Chapstick
• Key ring (my Civic, our Highlander, the church van, house key, church key)
• I also almost always have a drink with me (not pictured) – either coffee in my Stanley vacuum travel mug (best travel mug EVER!), or a Contigo water bottle with flip-up drinking nozzle

The one thing about Jesus life and ministry that amazes me even more than the miracle stories is the kind of people he brought together. When I read through the Gospels, I am shocked at the kind of people Jesus hung out with, ate with, and called friends.

Just think for a moment of all the people Jesus interacted with and befriended.

• Fishermen
• Tax Collectors (Matthew, Zacchaeus)
• Prostitutes
• Lepers
• Pharisees
• Zealots (guerilla assassins who attempted to overthrow Rome and kill soldiers and tax collectors)
• Roman Centurions
• Leaders of the Synagogue
• Poor beggars
• Rich benefactors
• The woman caught in adultery
• The woman who had been divorced and remarried five times and was now shacking up with another guy
• The Canaanite woman whose daughter was afflicted by an evil spirit
• A desperate father wanting healing for his son
• Desperate friends wanting healing for their paralyzed friend
• Devout Jews
• Rebellious Samaritans

That’s quite the list. Jesus could never really be pinned down. Jesus defied all labels, all categories, all cliques. Jesus could feel at home with a bunch of “sinners and tax collectors” as well as with Pharisees and the religious elite. Jesus felt as comfortable out on the lake with a bunch of sweaty fishermen as he did in the Temple courts.

      But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near by the blood of Christ.
     For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by setting aside in his flesh the law with its commands and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. For through him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit.
      Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with God’s people and also members of his household, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone. In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit. (Ephesians 2:13-22 | NIV)

That “dividing wall of hostility” was a real thing. Paul is referring to the literal wall in the Jerusalem Temple separating the Court of the Gentiles from the inner courts where only the Jews could go. There would have been signs warning against any Gentiles passing through the gates in the wall. Any uncircumcised Gentile could be put to death for getting too close to the Temple itself. Gentiles were forced to worship from afar. But through Jesus there is no dividing wall. There is only full, complete access to the Father through the Spirit.

More than that, there is not longer a distinction between Jews and Gentiles. A common justification for racism or xenophobia is to claim that people of other races or ethnicities aren’t quite the same kind of human as you. But long before we knew anything about DNA and species, Jesus destroyed those arguments by making the two groups into one new humanity. There is only one race – the human race. No single group has any inherent advantage over any other group in the eyes of our Creator. We are all equal citizens in the Kingdom of God, full-fledged members of God’s household. Together we are the Temple.

And all God’s people said “Amen.” Then they went home and lived together in perfect harmony, happily ever after.

Right?

If only…

WHY CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?

If the Gospels emphasize the radical inclusion of the Kingdom of God inaugurated in and through Jesus, then the books that come after (Acts and the Epistles) are all trying to answer the question, “So what do we do now?”

Nearly all of Paul’s letters have something to do with bringing Jewish and Gentile believers together under the Lordship of Jesus. A significant portion of Acts addresses the conflicting views between those who said Gentiles had to become more like Jews if they wanted to follow Jesus and those who said Gentiles didn’t have to follow the Law of Moses at all. Even Revelation gets in on the discussion when it paints this picture of heaven:

     After this I looked, and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and before the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands. And they cried out in a loud voice:
   “Salvation belongs to our God,
    who sits on the throne,
    and to the Lamb.” (Revelation 7:9-10)

And yet, the history of the church has been tainted with attitudes of hostility, racism, nationalism, even genocide and ethnic cleansing. It’s like we’ve been trying to build back up the “dividing wall of hostility” ever since Jesus tore it down. Because walls help us feel safe. They keep the bad people out. They keep us neatly divided as we think we should be.

Even within the church we try to emphasize our differences and divisions rather than what unites us. Often we end up placing more value on our national citizenship than on our citizenship in the Kingdom of Heaven. We paint people of other nations or ethnicities as the enemy, while ignoring the fact that we have brothers and sisters in Christ living and working and spreading the kingdom in those very nations.

What went wrong?

YOU HAD ONE JOB

I enjoy laughing at those memes where something goes horribly wrong and the tagline is “You had one job.”

It’s funny until it’s your job that was done wrong.

If I were to ask you what the number one job of the church is, what would you say?
–Holding worship services?
-Feeding the poor?
-Caring for the homeless?
-Converting your atheist neighbor?
-Holding car wash fundraisers for mission trips?

While those are all good things, I believe they all miss the point. The one job of the church is to one-another one another. We can baptize thousands, but we won’t actually be making disciples unless we get to know one another more personally. We can feed millions, but we won’t actually be changing lives unless we are sharing meals with people and showing hospitality to one another.

One of the last things Jesus told his disciples before his crucifixion was this:

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” (John 13:34-35)

Our one job is to love one another. It’s hard to do that when the only time we’re around one another is for an hour on Sunday mornings sitting in pews and staring at the back of one another’s heads.

I think part of the reason we have this problem is our use of the word “church.” The original word in Greek is ekklesia. This was the word for a gathering of people, an assembly, a group. But by the time the Bible was being translated into English, the word commonly used in place of ekklesia was more like the word for “chapel.” It had come to refer to a place instead of a people, an institution rather than a gathering. We still use this language today when we talk about “going to church.” It’s a real shame that the translators used the word “church” instead of a word like “assembly.”

Christ didn’t die for an institution. Christ died for his people.

LET’S “ONE-ANOTHER” ONE ANOTHER

Like I said earlier, the Gospels introduce us to the radical inclusion of the Kingdom of God through Jesus. The rest of the New Testament is wrestling with the problems that arise when we promote and try to put into practice this kind of radical inclusion within a world full of “dividing walls of hostility.”

The solution is to one-another one another.

There are 59 passages in the New Testament that give instructions for how Christs followers are to treat “one another.” (Sometimes the phrase is translated as “each other,” but that’s not a big deal.) Check out this list:

1. “…Be at peace with each other.” (Mark 9:50)
2. “…Wash one another’s feet.” (John 13:14)
3. “…Love one another…” (John 13:34)
4. “…Love one another…” (John 13:34)
5. “…Love one another…” (John 13:35)
6. “…Love one another…” (John 15:12)
7. “…Love one another” (John 15:17)
8. “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love…” (Romans 12:10)
9. “…Honor one another above yourselves. (Romans 12:10)
10. “Live in harmony with one another…” (Romans 12:16)
11. “…Love one another…” (Romans 13:8)
12. “…Stop passing judgment on one another.” (Romans 14:13)
13. “Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you…” (Romans 15:7)
14. “…Instruct one another.” (Romans 15:14)
15. “Greet one another with a holy kiss…” (Romans 16:16)
16. “…When you come together to eat, wait for each other.” (I Cor. 11:33)
17. “…Have equal concern for each other.” (I Corinthians 12:25)
18. “…Greet one another with a holy kiss.” (I Corinthians 16:20)
19. “Greet one another with a holy kiss.” (II Corinthians 13:12)
20. “…Serve one another in love.” (Galatians 5:13)
21. “If you keep on biting and devouring each other…you will be destroyed by each other.” 
(Galatians 5:15)
22. “Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.” (Galatians 5:26)
23. “Carry each other’s burdens…” (Galatians 6:2)
24. “…Be patient, bearing with one another in love.” (Ephesians 4:2)
25. “Be kind and compassionate to one another…” (Ephesians 4:32)
26. “…Forgiving each other…” (Ephesians 4:32)
27. “Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs.” (Ephesians 5:19)
28. “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Ephesians 5:21)
29. “…In humility consider others better than yourselves.” (Philippians 2:3)
30. “Do not lie to each other…” (Colossians 3:9)
31. “Bear with each other…” (Colossians 3:13)
32. “…Forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.” (Colossians 3:13)
33. “Teach…[one another]” (Colossians 3:16)
34. “…Admonish one another (Colossians 3:16)
35. “…Make your love increase and overflow for each other.” (I Thessalonians 3:12)
36. “…Love each other.” (I Thessalonians 4:9)
37. “…Encourage each other…”(I Thessalonians 4:18)
38. “…Encourage each other…” I Thessalonians 5:11)
39. “…Build each other up…” (I Thessalonians 5:11)
40. “Encourage one another daily…” Hebrews 3:13)
41. “…Spur one another on toward love and good deeds.” (Hebrews 10:24)
42. “…Encourage one another.” (Hebrews 10:25)
43. “…Do not slander one another.” (James 4:11)
44. “Don’t grumble against each other…” (James 5:9)
45. “Confess your sins to each other…” (James 5:16)
46. “…Pray for each other.” (James 5:16)
47. “…Love one another deeply, from the heart.” (I Peter 3:8)
48. “…Live in harmony with one another…” (I Peter 3:8)
49. “…Love each other deeply…” (I Peter 4:8)
50. “Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.” (I Peter 4:9)
51. “Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others…” (I Peter 4:10)
52. “…Clothe yourselves with humility toward one another…”(I Peter 5:5)
53. “Greet one another with a kiss of love.” (I Peter 5:14)
54. “…Love one another.” (I John 3:11)
55. “…Love one another.” (I John 3:23)
56. “…Love one another.” (I John 4:7)
57. “…Love one another.” (I John 4:11)
58. “…Love one another.” (I John 4:12)
59. “…Love one another.” (II John 5)
http://www.smallgroupchurches.com/the-59-one-anothers-of-the-bible/

Just think about what the church would look like if we all loved and encouraged one another. How awesome would it be if we knew that in the church we would be free from envy or slander or gossip or lies or grudges? How different would our churches and families and communities look if we all did this?

We could go on a big in depth study on each one of these “one another” commands. But what good would that do? Why not just do it instead?

RELATIONSHIP GOALS

Accept one another just as Christ accepted you.
Find someone this week and let them know you accept them, that they belong, that they are valued.

Encourage one another and build each other up.
Take time to encourage someone. Tell them how much you appreciate them or how awesome you think they are. Share with them what impresses you about them or how you see God at work in them.

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.
Let the special people in your life know that you will always be there for them no matter what. You have their back. They can call or text you any time they need and you will be there.

Carry each other’s burdens.
Find someone you can open up to about what’s causing you stress and anxiety. Share with each other, pray for each other, and then offer to help each other through whatever it is.

Confess you sins to each other. Pray for each other. Forgive each other.
Find someone you trust and open up to them about what sins you are struggling with. Pray for each other and let each other know that you are forgiven. Promise to keep each other accountable.

Love one another deeply from the heart. Greet one another with a kiss of love.
Okay, so maybe not a kiss, but a hug will do the same. Give out hugs freely and let people know you love them. You’ll be amazed at how much that can change your whole day!

I want you to think for a few moments about who does what in your household.

Who cleans up the vomit? (Mom / Dad / Kids)

Overall in the U.S., women clean more than men do. American men did an average of 15 minutes of housework each day, while women did 45, the Cassinos write. Most men—77 percent—did no housework on any given day, while most women—55 percent—did at least some.

The title of the quoted article is this: “Emasculated Men Refuse to Do Chores—Except Cooking.” The article is about research showing a bizarre phenomenon. When wives make more money than their husbands, the men are less willing to help out around the house. It’s a fascinating article, so please check it out.

Sadly, the best marriages are those in which the household work is split somewhat more evenly. While it’s not necessarily a good idea to split it hard and fast down the middle (each partner performing exactly 50% of the chores), it is healthy for married couples to divide and conquer – and jumping in to help the other out on occasion without being asked. This article from Business Insider gives some great insight into how couples should approach their housework.

But this isn’t an article about chores and housework. The way we view those tasks is a starting point for a larger conversation. In the United States we are still fighting against this idea that a woman’s place is in the home. We still have an idealized view of the housewife who spends her day cleaning and cooking in a dress, high heels, and peals, so that everything is in pristine condition to welcome her hardworking husband home after a long day at the office.

We think this is normal. We think this is ideal. We think this is…God’s ideal.

And that’s where the danger comes in.

The fact is families are messy. No two families are exactly alike. Each family has different needs and wants. Each family is made up of different members in different arrangements. The only thing every family has in common is that all families are messy, broken, and dysfunctional. Because every family is made up of messy, broken, and dysfunctional people. To assume that there is any one ideal for family roles and functions is to deny our own individual, God-given personalities and talents.

So I want to spend some time looking at the very Scriptures that have been abused misinterpreted, and misapplied for centuries. There is a section of Scripture that has been used in support of patriarchal systems when in fact it was meant to do the exact opposite – lay the groundwork for the dismantling of patriarchy.

So let’s dive in, shall we?

[Much of what proceeds is inspired by a series of articles written by Rachel Held Evans. I highly encourage you to check them out. Click here for the first one.]

FATHER KNOWS BEST


As we begin, a little context. In ancient Rome families were structured around a societal hierarchy known as “pater familias.” This Latin phrase is understood as the “Father of the Family,” or “owner of the family estate.” Go ahead and check out the Wikipedia article explaining this concept more fully. It’s really eye-opening to see just how much power and authority was granted to the pater familias. “The pater familias was the oldest living male in a household, and exercised autocratic authority over his extended family.”

Basically, there was the Father at the top. Below him were the wife, children (sons over daughters in
rank of importance and value), and then salves/servants. The Father was essentially the owner of everyone else in the household. Women had very few rights apart from their husbands and were expected to be subservient and obedient to their husband. It was not at all uncommon for husbands to abuse their wives – physically, emotionally, verbally, and even sexually. The wife was his property. People did not marry for love in the ancient world. Marriage was an economic arrangement between two families, often solidifying a political bond or financial agreement.

If you think the treatment of women was bad, go read the section about children in the Wiki article. The pater familias essentially held the power of life or death over his children. Babies born with some deformity or weakness would often be left out in the elements to die. The pater familias held the authority to sell his own children into slavery. He had ultimate say over who his children could and could not marry. Even as married adults, the children were not free from the rule of the pater familias. He still had control over any business ventures his children pursued, and any land bought by the children was technically under control of the Father.

And let’s not even get started on slaves.

This was the reality of Roman households when Paul was writing letters to the churches. The question we must ask is – Did God intend for families to operate this way? Did God authorize slavery? Does God endorse the idea that women are merely the property of the husband? Would God really be okay with fathers selling their children into slavery?

Because if we don’t do any of the hard work diving into the context of Ephesians 5, this is exactly the kind of twisted view of relationships that can develop.

RESPECT MY AUTHORITY


Let’s start out in Ephesians 5:22-24. Look at what Paul instructs for wives in Christian households:

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. (English Standard Version)

A few observations. First, I believe there is a difference between “submitting” and “obeying.” Submission is an attitude, a general disposition towards another person. A person who submits to another person may still be able to argue their case respectfully, give input, and help with the decision making process. There can be a sort of freedom in submission. Paul does not command wives to obey. Obey implies blindly and unquestioningly following orders. Wives should relate to their husbands with an attitude of submission, but they are not expected to be robot-like in their obedience.

Second, (and let’s not overlook this one!) Paul says wives should submit to their own husbands. In Greek, the word for man and husband is the same, so we have to put it in context. I believe what Paul means is that women are not inherently submissive to all men. This passage has been used to oppress and exploit women because we have overlooked the simple fact that Paul does not put all women underneath all men. The husband and wife relationship is unique.

Third, when Paul says that the husband is the head of the wife, he’s speaking into a culture that is very familiar with that language. He is simply referencing the established “Head of Household” structure. What Paul does, though, is he puts stipulations on that arrangement. The husband is the head of the wife like Christ is the head of the church! Do you realize how revolutionary that was? Christ would never be abusive towards the church. Christ would never force his church to blindly obey him. Christ would never put unrealistic expectations on the church. Christ is worth following because we can trust him. The job of the head is to take care of the rest of the body!

When Paul says that wives should submit to their husbands as the church submits to Christ, he is speaking freedom into a system of oppression. He is starting the wheels turning toward revolutionizing the way we view families and the way we value women.

WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?


Paul then turns towards the men. Check out his instructions for husbands:

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (Ephesians 5:25-33 | ESV)

Okay, we have some work to do with this one.

First, notice just how much more Paul has to say to husbands than he did to wives. His instructions to husbands is about three times as long.

Second, Paul brings love into the marriage. Love! Are you kidding me? Marriage isn’t about love. Is it? One of my favorite musicals is Fiddler on the Roof. The play focuses on a Jewish family in Russia during a time of oppression. One of the subplots focuses on the daughters running off to marry for love. At one point, the patriarch of the family, Tevye, asks his wife, Golde, “Do you love me?” To which she replies, “Do I WHAT?!” They break out into song (it is a musical, after all), and in the end they decide that, yes, they do love each other.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been sitting around with (usually older) men as they complain about their wives. It’s ridiculous how critical men can get. It’s younger men, too. I see those t-shirts with the newlywed couple on the front with the words “GAME OVER” underneath. Men have referred to their wives as “the old ball and chain.” That’s not love! Paul tells us to love our wives as Christ loves the church. We are to love our wives as we love our own bodies.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t ever see Christ complaining about his church, his bride. I never see Christ abusing her or talking down to her or ordering her around. What I see is Christ willingly laying down his life for his church. I see Jesus, the night before his crucifixion, washing the feet of his disciples, serving them in love.

Third, Paul appeals to Genesis 1 in order to subvert the whole concept of patriarchy and pater familias. From the beginning God intended for a man to “leave his father and mother.” When a man gets married, he is no longer under the authority of his father. Something new has begun. This flies in the face of every pro-patriarchy argument I hear people make.

Finally, Paul explains that marriage between a husband and wife is a beautiful metaphor of Christ and his church. Christ is our example. Christ is the true pater familias. Christ is the Head of the Household. Christ is at the center, not the husband.

This changes everything.

LIKE FATHER LIKE SON

Paul doesn’t stop with wives and husbands. He continues to give instructions on the father-child relationship.

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:1-4 | ESV)

Obey and honor. These are Paul’s instructions for children. Notice, children are to obey their parents, not just their father. Children are to honor their father and mother. Mothers had a higher role of authority in Jewish households than they did in Roman or Greek households. But yet again, we see Paul putting Husbands and Wives on equal standing within the household. Both are to be obeyed. Both are to be honored.

And again, he brings Christ into the equation. As children we should obey our parents in the Lord. As disciples of Jesus, we are to give honor to whom honor is due – especially our parents.

But Paul doesn’t stop there. He also has a word of instruction for Fathers – Don’t provoke your children to anger. Fathers have a tendency toward being authoritarian and hard-nosed in disciplining their children. Children need discipline, but what many fathers do boarders on abuse, leaving them traumatized and broken, feeling like they can’t do anything right or will never be good enough.

Fathers – don’t be too hard on your kids. But bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Paul brings Christ into the center of parent-child relationships.

YES, MASTER


This brings us to the most uncomfortable part of this entire section. Paul speaks to slaves and their masters.

Bondservants, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Christ, not by the way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but as bondservants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart, rendering service with a good will as to the Lord and not to man, knowing that whatever good anyone does, this he will receive back from the Lord, whether he is a bondservant or is free. Masters, do the same to them, and stop your threatening, knowing that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and that there is no partiality with him. (Ephesians 6:5-9 | ESV)

Can you imagine being in the church of the First Century? It was not uncommon for slaves and their masters to be a part of the same church. Paul continually speaks into the lives of slave and their masters in such a way that both would be viewed as equal (see the book of Philemon). Again, Paul is setting the stage for the entire system of slavery to be dismantled. Unfortunately, passages like this have been abused and misapplied to actually uphold systems of oppression and exploitation.

Are you seeing a pattern?

What Paul meant for freedom, man have used to continue with bondage – for women, children, and slaves. But when Christ is truly at the center of all these relationships, there can be only freedom and equality and love.

TAKE A STEP BACK


It’s important that we put all of this in context. This entire section, commonly known as “Christian Household Codes,” is prefaced with this game-changing statement:

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. (Ephesians 5:21 | NIV)

Submit to one another. Think about that. It baffles me that there are people who think Paul has something against women, that Paul thinks women are somehow inferior. Let me be clear – it has been power hungry men over the course of church history who have interpreted Paul through their own worldview lens instead of letting Paul (and Christ) critique their own cultural assumptions.

Paul makes some of the most strikingly egalitarian statements in the ancient world:

There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. (Galatians 3:28 | NIV)

Here there is no Gentile or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all. (Colossians 3:11 | NIV)

So why is it that Christians seem to hold on to patriarchy and fight against equality?

I believe that’s finally beginning to change.

#METOO

It seems like more and more men are being brought down from on high because of their inappropriate words and/or actions towards women. To quote from old school Scripture: “Men and brothers, this ought not be!” There is never a reason to mistreat or abuse a woman. She is her own person, created on equal standing in the Image of God.

Paul is dismantling the pater familias hierarchy held by the Romans. And I think he would be appalled to find many of those same attitudes and behaviors prevalent in society (and the church!) today.

Most recently, a highly respected leader in the Southern Baptist Convention came under fire for comments and attitudes toward women. His thoughts about abusive relationships and his comments about young women go against everything Christ stands for. Christ was the one standing up for women who had been mistreated, abused, discarded and cast out. Jesus fought for the cause of every woman with her own #MeToo moment.

IT’S TIME


It’s time for men to show selfless love towards their wives. Guys, it’s time to learn how to do the dishes, how to do the laundry, and how to run the vacuum cleaner. It’s time to get serious about raising our children to know and love the Lord. It’s time for the church to fight for equality and respect for all people of all demographics.

RELATIONSHIP GOALS


Family dynamics are constantly changing. There is no one set way to be a family. Paul was not trying to say that we should ascribe to the pater familias hierarchy with a little bit of Jesus thrown in. He was revolutionizing the way we view all of our relationships by dismantling the hierarchy and embracing our equality at the foot of the cross.

Put Christ at the center of all your relationships. That won’t make everything better overnight. But it will set your focus where it belongs. I will leave you with a few more words from Paul, this time from his letter to the church in Philippi:

Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus… (Philippians 2:1-5 | NIV)

Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity. (1 Timothy 4:12)
________________________

I have a confession to make.

I get really defensive when I hear people complain about the younger generations.

I am a thirty-year-old youth minister. I am a Millennial who is ministering to Generation Z – you know, the tide-pod addicts who are always marching on Washington and stuff.

But I will also be the first to admit that getting defensive about any one particular generation is only going to drive yet another wedge into a massively divided culture. Each generation should be willing to hear and reflect on the criticisms of others.

No generation is inherently better than another. As we saw in my first post in this series, the older generations have been complaining about younger people since the beginning of history. No surprises here.

I guess the surprising thing for me is that we are STILL having these arguments.

THE AGE OF AGEISM
Maybe you aren’t explicitly stating that the Boomers are better than Millennials. Maybe you aren’t going around touting Generation X as God’s gift to American society. But most of us are unconsciously biased in favor of people our own age and/or against people who are younger/older than we are.

This is called AGEISM. Ageism is prejudice or discrimination against another person on the basis of his/her age. Ageism has been deemed “the last acceptable form of prejudice” in our culture. And ageism works both ways – younger people mistrusting older people, and older people discriminating against younger people.

I believe ageism is more prevalent that most of us realize. I recently asked on Facebook if people have ever felt judged, discriminated against, or looked down on because of their age – either younger or older. The overwhelming response was YES. (I think I only had one NO out of everyone.)

Ageism can be obvious or even stated outright – “You’re only, what 24? 25? You don’t know enough about life yet.” Or it can be veiled and less conspicuous – a patronizing smile, a joke, a frustrated sigh of exasperation. Ageist attitudes can be difficult to spot, and therefore difficult to call out. When you see, for instance, a white barista calling the police on two black men sitting peacefully inside the coffee shop, it’s easy to call that out as RACIST. But when an older lady in Walmart calls a younger person “rude” simply for waiting her turn to get something in the aisle – is that lady just in a bad mood or was she projecting her ageist views that all Millennials are rude, entitled, brats?

YOUTH AND CONSEQUENCES
We have a weird relationship with age in this country. More specifically, we have a weird relationship with YOUTH. Take a look at the commercials and advertisements around you. How many of them have something to do with feeling/looking younger? How many cosmetic products are promoted as “age-defying?” How many hair dyes and cosmetic surgery procedures do you need to feel youthful again?

So on the one hand YOUTH is held up as this standard to achieve (as if that even makes sense).

On the other hand our teenagers and young adults are being encouraged to “grow up” at alarming rates. Our teenage high school students face more pressure, more stress, and more calendar events than any adult I know. I see it every day. Students are forced to balance school work, sports, part-time jobs, friendships, dating relationships, family time, volunteering, and more. I don’t know many adults who work as many hours per week as some of the teenagers I minister to.

And let’s not overlook the fact that puberty is occurring earlier and adolescence is lasting longer than ever before.

We are pressuring our teenagers to grow up. Young adults don’t feel like real adults. Adults are trying to stay young.

So here’s my question: Is the church guilty of AGEISM? If so, we have a lot of work to do. How can we be a light to the world or confusion? How can we offer hope in a world of chaos? How can we work toward equality in a world of division?

Let’s look to Scripture.

HOW TO DESTROY A COUNTRY IN THREE DAYS 
In 1 Kings 12 we see the tragic story of Rehoboam, the son of Solomon, King of Israel. Solomon had led the nation of Israel to a time of strength and prosperity greater than they could have imagined. Solomon’s God-given wisdom and governing skills are largely the reason for this – skills which were evidently not passed down to his son and heir to the throne.

When Solomon died, Rehoboam consulted his father’s counsel of elders for advice. Should he give in to the people’s demands for lower taxes and ease up on their labor load? The elders advised him to appease the people and lessen the burden. But then Rehoboam went to his peers, the young men he had grown up with. The young guns told him to flex his muscles and put the hammer down. They told him to let the people know that HE was in charge now, that HE was the one with the power.

Rehoboam listened to the bullheaded advice of the younger men. Because of this, the nation of Israel was divided, the ten northern tribes split off and formed the nation of Israel, leaving Rehoboam with only Judah and Benjamin, forming the nation of Judah.

If Rehoboam had listened to the counsel of the elders, he could have saved himself and his fellow countrymen centuries worth of trouble and heartache.

WE NEED EACH OTHER
As a country and as a church we must realize that we need each other.

The older generations need to pass the torch. I’ve seen many older folks holding on desperately to their position because they think that it’s the only way they can have significance. But in training up the next generation of leaders, your significance and influence will grow beyond anything you could ever achieve by yourself. Train up someone younger to take your place and then pass the torch!

The younger generations need to be willing to listen and learn from our elders. As we saw in my last post, I believe that it’s the younger generations who have the greatest chance of bringing about real change in the world. But we younger people need to heed the wisdom and counsel of those with more life experience than us.

Every Joshua needs his Moses. Every David needs his Samuel. Every Ruth needs her Naomi. Every Esther needs her Mordecai. Every Timothy needs his Paul. AND VICE VERSA!

I believe that everyone should have someone 7-10 years younger to mentor, advise, and disciple. AND everyone needs someone 10+years older to be their mentor, advisor, and teacher.

The church can and should be modeling this for the rest of the world.
The church can and should be a place where people of all ages feel loved, welcomed, and accepted.
The church can and should be a place where ageism is nonexistent.
The church can and should be a place where no one ever looks down on somebody because of their age.

But is it?

More next time. Until then, check out this video:

Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity. (1 Timothy 4:12)

I have a confession to make.

I am part of a nation-wide group whose sole purpose in life is to dismantle the beloved American way. We are called out on news networks across the country as cold-blooded killers. Our thirst for violence knows no end. No company is safe. No store is in the clear. We will gladly watch them all die a slow and painful death.

No, I’m not talking about any terrorist organization.

I’m talking about….Millennials.

Come on, surely you’ve seen the headlines!

Drat! Our dastardly plan has been foiled. Our whole plot undone. And we would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for those meddling….adults.

I’m not going to go into just. how. ridiculous. this all is. Just Google “Millennials are killing,” and you’ll find countless articles and listicles about all the industries that are failing to meet certain profit margins and are blaming their failing businesses on an entire generation of young adults. Everyone from BuzzFeed and HuffPo to Business Insider, Forbes, and BBC News is tracking this grotesque display of gratuitous violence against our most beloved half-rate restaurant chains.

Way to go, Millennials! We are slowly achieving our goal of world domination through cooking at home! Who knew it would be so easy?

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build (Ecclesiastes 3:1-3)

But seriously though…please stop blaming all of our economic problems on the younger generations. Like most things, the truth is more complex than that.

One thing this does tell me, though, is that the older generations seem afraid of change. Again, nothing new. I would venture to say that most revolutionary movements in history have been headed up by young adults.

Many of the men and women fighting for civil rights and equality in the 1960s were young adults in their 20s and 30s. Even teenagers and school children played active roles in changing American society.

**BREAKING NEWS: Millennials Are Killing the Water Fountain Industry**

And then there are the “Founding Fathers.” I have recently read the books 1776, by David McCullough, and Alexander Hamilton, by Ron Chernow. Whenever I see paintings from around the time of the American Revolution, featuring white-haired men in old fashioned clothing, I tend to assume everyone in the painting is older, at least in their 50s and 60s. But surprisingly (or unsurprisingly) the majority of the signers of the Declaration of Independence were UNDER 40 as of July, 1776.

Just check out this list:
Marquis de Lafayette, 18
James Monroe, 18
John Trumbull, 20
Aaron Burr, 20
Nathan Hale, 21
Alexander Hamilton, 21
Betsy Ross, 24
James Madison, 25
Henry Knox, 25
John Jay, 30
Nathanael Greene, 33
Thomas Jefferson, 33
click here for the full list

Even George Washington was only 44 at the start of the Revolution. The United States of America exists today because of the efforts of those who are the same age as current Millennials!

**BREAKING NEWS: Millennials Are Killing the Tea Industry**

But what about the greatest revolution in world history – the revolution on which our entire calendar system is based on, the revolution resulting in the largest religion in the world, the revolution of heaven breaking into earth? What about Jesus and his disciples?

How old was Jesus when his ministry began?

Now Jesus himself was about thirty years old when he began his ministry. (Luke 3:23)

And his ministry only lasted between 3.5 to 5 years (we’re not entirely sure). And while we have no record of the ages of his disciples, we can make some certain assumptions based on the culture of the day.

We know that a Rabbi (teacher) would not have Disciples (students) who were older than he. It’s logical to assume that all of the Twelve were under 30 years of age. At least one of them was married (Peter). Several of them already had full-time jobs, or at least apprenticeships (Peter, Andrew, James, John, Matthew). I think it would be safe to assume that Peter, James, and Matthew were somewhere in their early-to-mid 20s. But we also know that some of them were younger than that. There was another James who was called “the lesser.” That could either mean shorter or younger (or both) than the other James. We also know that John was the only original disciple to die of old age near the end of the first century. This means he was likely in his mid-to-late teens.

Jesus was in his early thirties. His closest followers were in their teens and twenties….THE SAME AGE AS CURRENT MILLENNIALS.

**BREAKING NEWS: Millennials Are Killing the Medical Industry, the Fishing Industry, the Exorcism Industry, and the Temple**

The only constant in the universe (besides the speed of light) is change itself. To live is to change. The world is changing. The climate is changing. The economy is changing. Politics is changing. Gender roles are changing. Religion is changing.

Some ways of life that we’ve taken for granted over the last few decades are slowly becoming just another footnote in the history books. But that’s life.

Somebody had to be responsible for killing the Pet Rock Industry or the Cassette Tape Industry. Or did they just die out on their own?

Instead of mourning the loss of a certain way of life, let’s join together to look to the future. We can challenge the status quo, try new things, and change the world for the better.

After all, isn’t that what we are all looking forward to, anyway?

“…the old order of things has passed away.”
He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” (Revelation 21:4-5)

Please, Please, Please watch this video, especially if you are not yet convinced.

When it comes to dating, marriage, and relationship advice, a lot of it is….terrible. There are things people say simply because they’ve heard other people say it. This is because of a certain cognitive bias. The more people hear a thing repeated, the more likely they are to assume it’s true – even if it’s false.

Let me give you some examples of bad relationship advice I’ve heard and continue to hear for some reason.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
This bit of relational garbage was introduced to the masses in the 1970 movie Love Story. I don’t know who thought up this line, but they know nothing about love. I love my wife deeply. I also find myself saying “I’m sorry” multiple times every day. We all say and do things, intentionally or not, that hurt or upset the people we love. It happens. Say you’re sorry and mean it. The key is to try to do better. If you say you’re sorry for missing your son’s ballgame due to working late, then try not to let it happen again. Eventually sorry may not be good enough. But true love is about admitting when you are wrong and attempting to make a change for the sake of the other person’s well-being.

Never go to bed angry.
This is loosely based on the passage in Ephesians 4 that instructs us to “not let the sun go down on your anger.” There are times when a conflict needs to be resolved, not ignored. There will be times when you need to have those long, hard conversations late into the night. But those times are fewer and father between than you may think. There have been many times when I’ve gone to bed angry and woke up feeling remorseful and foolish. Sometimes “sleeping on it” can help both parties realize how ridiculous the fight really was. So use wisdom to know what fights are worth staying up for and which ones can be more or less resolved with some shut-eye. But I typically avoid words like “never” when it comes to relationships.

If it’s meant to be, it will happen.
I think we’ve all been tainted by the fairytales and RomComs. Those relationships always work out. You know from the start that the two main characters are going to end up together and live “happily ever after.” But guess what: life doesn’t work that way. Relationships take work, time, effort, and resources. Relationships take sacrifice. If it’s meant to be, then go work at it! Don’t just expect the other person to magically come around to the idea of dating you – go ask them. Don’t just expect that once the wedding is done that the work is over – it’s just beginning. Don’t ever expect a great relationship to just happen because it’s “meant to be.”

Find someone who “completes” you.
Another infamous movie line is the source of this terrible advice. “You complete me” is a nice sentiment, but it leads to dysfunctional relationships. You should be a fully complete person before entering a relationship with someone. Otherwise you are relying too heavily on that person’s presence and investment in the relationship. You are giving them too much power. What happens when they’re not around? What happens should they leave you? or die? We should be more concerned with being complete in Christ and in who God made us to be than we are about feeling complete in a relationship with another person.

Communication is the key to a healthy marriage.
We all communicate to everyone around us all the time. Not talking to your spouse is a form of communication. The majority of our communication is nonverbal, anyway. We may say one thing, but our face and posture are saying the opposite. Communication is not the key to a healthy marriage – healthy communication is one of the keys to a healthy marriage. You should learn to argue well. You should learn to communicate a clear message with both your words and your body language. But even if those things aren’t so great, you can still have a really good marriage. Because marriage is a journey, not a destination. You and your spouse should be growing in many areas, including communication.

Are there any other myths to bust? Of course! Much of the above was just my opinion or what I’ve heard experts talk about over the years. But there are still plenty of myths out there that we need to put to the test.

Myth #1: A GUY AND A GIRL CAN JUST BE FRIENDS.
What do you think? Is it possible?

According to the experts:

“The belief that men and women can’t be friends comes from another era in which women were at home and men were in the workplace, and the only way they could get together was for romance.” – Linda Sapadin, a psychologist in Valley Stream, New York

>> Psychology Today: Can Men and Women Be Friends? <<

Not only is it possible, it’s really healthy to have friends of the opposite gender. This is all dependent on context, of course. There is a very real possibility that a friendship can blossom into something more, which can be problematic if one or both of the friends also has a significant other.

On the other hand, if a guy and a girl are both single and their friendship evolves into a romantic relationship, then that can be really great! The best relationships often begin as close friendships. That’s a good starting point.

But can they remain just friends, or are they doomed to end up hurting each other and losing the friendship? Again, it kind of depends. Mostly it depends on expectations and how certain signals are interpreted (or rather misinterpreted). Guys are worse at this than girls are. If a girl has a guy friend that she treats mostly the same as her other girl friends – chatting all the time, hugging, confiding in, seeking advice or reassurance – then the guy is very likely to misread those things as cues that she is into him.

So girls – if you want to have and keep a guy as a close friend, don’t be afraid to have that awkward conversation. Make it clear that you value his friendship and that you aren’t trying to lead him on in any way. It might upset him, but your relationship will be better off in the long run if romance is completely off the table. If he’s a good friend, he will understand and respect that.

And guys – STOP MISINTERPRETING KINDNESS AND FRIENDLINESS FOR FLIRTING! A lot of girls are afraid to even be nice to guys because they don’t want to lead them on. That’s on you. Stop it. Just because a girl is friendly with you doesn’t mean she fantasizes about making out with you. It means she’s nice. Value that. Don’t take it for granted. Don’t ruin it.

Paul tells his young protege Timothy, “Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity” (1 Timothy 5:1-2).

It is possible for guys and girls to be friends. If you are Christians, then treat each other as bother and sisters in Christ – with all purity. But be aware of the tendencies of the human heart (or the male brain) in desiring more than just friendship.

Myth #2: THERE’S ONLY ONE PERSON IN THE WORLD FOR YOU – YOUR “SOULMATE.”
We all fantasize about that certain…special…someone. That one person who will sweep us off our feet. That one person with whom we have instant chemistry. That one person with whom we are “meant to be.”

But that’s all fairytale. The fact of the matter is that there is no *one* person for any of us. We have our choice. We can choose to love or not to love. And this idea of “the one” puts a TON of unneeded pressure on young people who want to get married.

What do the experts say?

“Nothing in our DNA, immune systems, religious beliefs, or personal ideologies acts as a linking mechanism to connect us, perfectly, with one other person. But this concept is sold to us, day in and day out, and buying into this myth makes all of our lives much more difficult (and discouraging).” – Agustín Fuentes Ph.D.

>> Psychology Today: Desperately Seeking Soulmate? Please Stop Already <<

Instead of a checklist of all the “must haves” in a potential spouse, how about you focus on being the best you that you can be? Stop “desperately seeking a soulmate.” Stop worrying about finding “the one.” Start being somebody else’s one. In other words, be the kind of person you want for your future spouse.

He who finds a wife finds what is good
    and receives favor from the Lord. (Proverbs 18:22)

Listen, finding a good spouse is a blessing from God. So maybe put more of your trust in God to take care of you. He may just bring a potential spouse your way.

Myth #3: OPPOSITES ATTRACT.
We probably all know those couples that don’t make any sense. He’s an accountant, she’s an art teacher and yoga instructor. He’s a surfer, she’s a doctor. He’s a sports-fanatic, she’s a book worm.

I’m always amazed when I see opposites attracting like that. They make it work somehow. But that is not always the case. Those types of relationships rarely work out in the long term.

According to the experts:

“Despite the common belief that opposites attract, the data prove otherwise and show that married couples tend to be similar to each other on a variety of traits.” – Jennifer Verdolin Ph.D.

>> Psychology Today: Do Opposites Really Attract? <<

Now, the research does concede that correlation does not equal causation. We don’t know if couples get married because they are similar to each other or if couples become more alike over the course of their relationship. It’s likely some of both.

And while opposites don’t always last in a relationship, that doesn’t mean you should try to find someone just like you. Therapist and author Hal Runkel suggests, “It’s not what you have in common, it’s what you have inside that matters.” He further points out that, “oneness does not mean sameness.”

In most relationships, one of you will be the spender and one will be the saver. One likely be more concerned about housework than the other. It’s okay not to have the same hobbies and interests as each other. That is what makes relationships so interesting – there is always something new to learn about your partner. You can be different, but you can still be one.

The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
The man said,
“This is now bone of my bones
    and flesh of my flesh…” (Genesis 2:18, 23)

“…overall divorce rates have been falling for a few decades. The truth is, the average couple getting married today has more like a 75 percent chance of staying married. That means that only about 1 in 4 recent marriages are likely to end in divorce.” – Renée Peltz Dennison Ph.D.

>> Psychology Today: Do Half of All Marriages Really End in Divorce? <<

The way the divorce rate is measured is misleading from the start. Divorce rates are calculated by comparing the number of overall marriages in a year to the overall number of divorces in a year. That’s it. And it turns out that at one point in time, there were about half as many divorces as marriages in the US. But that number has been dropping significantly over the last few decades.

Also, further studies show that the vast majority of first time marriages will not end in divorce. But the divorce rate among divorcees rises dramatically with each subsequent new marriage. Second and third marriages have a divorce rate close to 75%.

It’s absolutely heartbreaking to see friends and family go through divorces. The ones who suffer the most are definitely the children of those broken homes. And if you have experienced that, I am so sorry.

But the fact is, first time marriages today have a higher chance of fulfilling the “til death” vow than we’ve seen in decades.

“But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” (Mark 10:6-9)

I have heard this in a lot of different contexts. But this can be particularly dangerous when it is in the context of relationships. Because what the person usually means is: “God wants me to be happy. I’m not happy with my wife. This other woman will make me happy. Therefore, God is okay with my leaving my wife to be with this other woman.”

“Except for that initial short-lived honeymoon effect for life satisfaction, getting married did not result in getting happier or more satisfied. In fact, for life satisfaction and relationship satisfaction, the trajectories over time headed in the less satisfied direction.” – Bella DePaulo Ph.D.

>> Psychology Today: Marriage and Happiness: 18 Long-Term Studies<<

If your life sucks, marriage won’t make it not suck. If you’re life is great, marriage won’t make it greater. Because you bring to the marriage all your extra baggage! Marriage won’t magically fix all your problems. If anything, marriage is going to shine a big spotlight on them. Do you have family problems? Financial problems? Mental health issues? Trust issues? Control issues? Do you squeeze the toothpaste wrong? Do you mount the toilet paper the wrong way round? All of these issues will only become more exacerbated in marriage.

But it’s not all bad news. The studies showed that married couples as no more satisfied over time than never-married singles. The researchers rated the happiness level of couples just before the wedding and at some time after the wedding. Happiness rates are typically highest right up to the wedding and during the honeymoon phase. Satisfaction levels drop down to more realistic levels over time, though.

But overall, marriage will not make you happier.

And secondly: God never said anything about wanting you to be happy. God doesn’t want you to be happy. He wants you to be faithful. Happiness, by its nature, is dependent on circumstances. The word “happiness” is closely tied to the word “happenstance.” There are times when relationships get rocky. You may go through seasons of unhappiness. You may be tempted to pursue happiness outside of your marriage. But don’t ever let your love and commitment become conditional on the outward circumstances.

“When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider this: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, no one can discover anything about their future.” (Ecclesiastes 7:14)

Myth #6: MARRIAGE SHOULD NOT BE THE ULTIMATE GOAL.
I get the feeling that we idolize marriage and families in the church a little too much. We have children’s ministry and youth ministry to draw in young families. We often have classes or small groups for “young couples.” We host marriage and parenting seminars. We may occasionally have a singles group, but that’s often viewed as a way to get our singles together into couples so they can get married and have babies for our children’s ministry.

What about those who are single for life? What about those who never felt called to marriage? Do they have a place in our society and our churches?

Singleness is nothing to be ashamed of!

“In their self-esteem and satisfaction with their lives, people who have always been single (and have never been in a civil partnership, either) are essentially identical to people who are currently married.” – Bella DePaulo Ph.D.

>> Psychology Today: Stereotypes of Singles? Robust. Actual Differences Between Singles and Couples? Not So Much <<

Singles have more freedom, more opportunities, more friends. I admit that I sometimes find myself a little jealous of my single friends. They can travel across the country and don’t have to worry about finding rest stops with play grounds. They can go out to eat at restaurants that don’t have coloring pages and kids menus. They can go to the movies almost any time and don’t have to pay a babysitter on top of it.

And when it comes to ministry, I have seen singles get a raw deal from churches even though they have a kind of freedom that married people with families just don’t have.

If you are under the illusion that marriage will somehow make you more fulfilled as a human…read the above myth. Also, remember someone else we know who was single?

Jesus!

Jesus had the most fulfilling human life ever. He had intimate friendships. He had a deep connection to God. He travelled from place to place healing, teaching, and restoring. He partied. He got to go fishing a lot. And yet…most churches wouldn’t hire Jesus as a minister because of his marital status.

Fulfillment can be found in many different ways. Marriage may be one of them. But it should not be the ultimate goal in your life. Serving God and seeking his will should be your ultimate goal. Marriage should not be elevated to the place of idolatry in our churches. Marriage should be seen as one of many ways in which to honor and glorify God. Along with singleness.

“I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided.” (1 Corinthians 7:32-34)

RELATIONSHIP GOALS

Pay closer attention to the relationship messages you are receiving. Whether it’s from music, movies, books, or a well-meaning aunt, don’t just blindly accept the “insights” from others. Weigh that advice against what Scripture says and against what the experts say.

And remember, not everyone can be a love expert. Not all advice is created equal. There are no “magic keys” to great relationships. And above all, seek God’s will.

Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity. (1 Timothy 4:12)

I have a confession to make.

I’m not quite sure how to say it, so I’ll just come right out with it. I am…. a Millennial.

No, no, no. I’m not THAT skinny-jeans-wearing, avocado-toast-eating, living-at-home, working-at-a-start-up kind of Millennial. But those are all grossly overemphasized stereotypes, anyway. In fact, anytime you see a headline or a study claiming anything about “Millennials,” realize that we are the largest generation numerically since the Baby Boomers.

How do I know this wasn’t set up and taken by a Millennial? Because we all know it only takes one person to look something up on IMDB.

You shouldn’t make broad, sweeping statements about Millennials and then turn around and complain about how we are all unique, special snowflakes. It doesn’t work that way.

And BTW, we never ASKED for participation trophies.

And also BTW, studies show that older generations are on their smartphones and social media at rates nearing that of Millennials and Gen-Z.

But the clothing styles, the use of technology, and the fact that Millennials are waiting longer to “settle down” than previous generations are all easy, visible targets to scapegoat.

The fact is I’m getting pretty tired of seeing the older generations trash the younger generations and place all the blame for their problems on Millennials and teenagers. I keep seeing things like this:

“The young people of today think of nothing but themselves. They have no respect for their parents or old age. They are impatient of all restraint. They talk as if they alone know everything and what passes for wisdom in us foolishness in them. As for the girls, they are foolish and immodest and unwomanly in speech, behavior, and dress.”

But then I realized that this was actually written by a guy named Peter the Hermit who lived in the 11th Century.

I read this the other day, and it really set me off:

“Our youth have an insatiable desire for wealth; they have bad manners and atrocious customs regarding dressing and their hair and what garments or shoes they wear.”

Oh wait, that was said by Plato in the 5th Century BC.

You want more rantings from older people about the younger generations?

“The children now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love to chatter in place of exercise.” – Socrates, 5th Century BC

“I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words. When I was young, we were taught to be discreet and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly disrespectful and impatient of restraint.” – Hesiod, 8th Century BC

And how about one more for good measure:

“Our Earth is degenerate in these later days; there are signs that the world is speedily coming to an end; bribery and corruption are common; children no longer obey their parents; every man wants to write a book and the end of the world is evidently approaching.” – Assyrian Clay Tablet from ~2800 BC

I found these quotes on Ambitious.com from an article titled: The Younger Generation Has Been Ruining The World Since Forever. 

Generational studies fascinate me.

On the one hand, generations are arbitrary markers that we as a society have set in place in order to stereotype entire groups of people based on their dates of birth. The best you can do is speak in generalities. We must remind ourselves that an individual must not be judged on the basis of her/his generational label.

On the other hand, there are very real differences between the generations largely due to major events that happened as each particular generation was coming of age.

With that in mind, it may be helpful to look back over the lifespan of the average Millennial and notice events that have occurred as we were coming of age.

• Millennials were born into one of the healthiest economies in US history.
• Most of us were just kids when McVeigh and Nickols attacked the Federal Building in Oklahoma City. I was just 7 years old.
• We were mostly school age (except for the very youngest Millennials) when 12 students and one teacher were shot and killed at Columbine High School. I was in 5th grade.
• Just a couple years after that, terrorists highjacked passenger airline planes and crashed them into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon – forever ending our illusion of security. I was entering my 8th grade English class when I heard the news.
• Throughout my high school years, the US was heavily involved in the “War on Terror” in Iraq and Afghanistan.
• In the middle of all this, we got the internet, mp3 players, laptops, cell phones, smartphones, tablets, MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, 4G-LTE, FaceTime, and more. When we were kids, we had cassettes and VHS. Now we are streaming everything. Tech has advanced stupidly fast!
• As we entered college and young adulthood, college tuition costs were soaring as the economy was collapsing, leaving millions of us with massive amounts of student loan debts and no good jobs to look forward to after college.

The Millennial generation came of age during the worst mass shootings in history, the largest attack on American soil in history, the longest war in US history, and the worst economic recession since the Great Depression.

Maybe that’s why so many of us are focused on trying to make the world a better place for the future, not just reminiscing about the past. Our past was pretty terrible. And our future looks pretty terrible, too. We are also the first generation in American history who aren’t expected to be as well off financially as our parents’ generation. We want to make the world a better place not for us, but for our kids and grand kids. It’s kinda too late for us. And we’ve accepted that.

This is the third installment in our BETTER TOGETHER series. On Wednesday nights I am walking the teenagers through the process of seeing their relationships through a biblical lens. Once we start seeing all our interactions through God’s will, then we are better prepared to make those relationships AWESOME.

So far we’ve looked at the fact that we were all created for community and togetherness. But a little thing called sin entered the world and brought separation where there was once intimacy. The remedy for the disease of sin and separation is LOVE. And we introduced the four levels of love: 1) I love me for my own benefit. 2) I love you for my benefit. 3) I love you for your benefit. 4) I love me for your benefit. When Jesus tells us to “Love your neighbor as yourself,” there is an implied love for self. We must practice some form of self-love and self-care in order to benefit others.

Second, we learned the difference between reacting and responding. So often we end up being controlled by our emotions and reacting out of fear or self-preservation. Something happens in a relationship that triggers our “Fight or Flight” reaction – which often leads to the very outcome we were hoping to avoid. But with training and practice we can become better at keeping our emotions under our control, slowing down our anger-reaction, and responding appropriately.

This week we are going to take a closer look at what it means to “Love your neighbor.”

LEARNING THE RULES

We are probably all familiar with a teaching of Jesus commonly known as “The Golden Rule.” You’ve probably heard some version of it. You may have even been taught it by your parents and/or school teachers.

Toward the end of the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7), Jesus tells his followers, “Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets” (Mt 7:12 | NLT).

It’s otherwise paraphrased like this: Treat others the way you want to be treated.

And that’s a good standard for children (and adults!) to latch onto. Don’t steal because you wouldn’t want someone to steal from you. Don’t hit, because you wouldn’t want to be hit. Talk to someone who is lonely, because you would want someone to come be your friend if you were alone. Be kind and generous toward others, because you want them to treat you the same way.

This is a good standard for ethical behavior.

But have you ever heard of “The Platinum Rule?” (At least that’s what I call it.) It’s a step above The Golden Rule.

Jesus is with his disciples on the last night before his crucifixion. He is about to be betrayed, arrested, beaten, and nailed to a cross. As he is speaking to them at dinner, he gives them this instruction: “This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:12-13 | NLT).

So what’s the difference between these two commands? We’ll get to that below, but first I think we need to explore this word LOVE a bit more.

It’s really hard to define the word Love. Google says it’s “an intense feeling of deep affection.” But we all know that it’s more “you know it when you see/feel/experience it” kind of words. Often the best way to talk about love is through images and metaphors.

**Much of what comes next is based on the work of Gary Chapman and his book The Five Love Languages**


GAS TANKS AND INTERNATIONAL CRUISES


Love is like a gas tank. You have to fill your car’s gas tank if you want to be able to go places. The car works best when the gas tank is full. Some people wait until the low fuel light is on before they fill up. Others panic and hit the nearest station as soon as the gauge hits the 1/4 mark. But no matter what, if your gas tank is empty, your car is not going anywhere.

Picture a tank inside yourself. We’ll call it the “love tank.” Sometimes your love tank is FULL, and life is going great. Your relationships are firing on all cylinders. You feel comfortable and confident. But then you notice those feelings beginning to diminish. Sometimes you feel like you are the one putting all the effort into the relationship without getting anything in return. Your tank is running low without being refilled. This can lead to all sorts of problems down the road if something doesn’t change. You cannot give love if your love tank runs dry.

So how do we refill our love tank? Stick with me. We’re getting there.

Love can also be like a trip on an international cruise ship. I was on a cruise once (and only once so far). We were taking a cruise of the Greek Isles – Crete, Mykonos, Santorini, and others. There were people on that ship from the USA, Germany, Greece, Italy, China, and half a dozen other places. Our cruise director was fluent in just about every major language spoken on that boat. She was incredible! None of us could communicate with the Chinese or German passengers, except maybe through charades and bad sign language. There could be no real connection because we were not speaking the same language.

LEARNING YOUR LANGUAGE

According to Chapman, each of us is most “fluent” in one of five “love languages.” Our primary language is how we feel most loved by others, AND it’s how we are most comfortable giving love. When someone loves us well in our primary love language, our love tanks are filled, and we can pour love back into that relationship. But if love is withheld according to our primary love language, we can feel hurt, unloved, or even betrayed.

The five love languages, according to Chapman, are

• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Receiving Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch

This video explains it really well:

Here’s the official rundown of each love language. What do you think resonates most with you? Do you think you know what your primary language is?

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.

QUALITY TIME
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Quality Time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.

ACTS OF SERVICE
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. Finding ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of these acts.

RECEIVING GIFTS
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thought, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly.

PHYSICAL TOUCH
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship.

So how do you find your love language? There are a few different ways.

1. What hurts you the most? What makes you feel most unloved? words of insult or degradation? being around someone who is always checking their phone? when someone doesn’t bother to help you or even makes more work for you to do? when someone forgets your birthday or other important dates? when someone cuts themselves off from you physically, not hugging or holding hands?
2. What do you ask for (or want) the most? do you wish people could compliment you more? do you want more hang-out time? do you wish you had more help around the house? do you want to be surprised with little random gifts? do you want to cuddle close on the couch?
3. What do you do to express love most often? are you always encouraging others and building them up? do you go out of your way to have lunch or coffee with your friends? do you jump right in and help people with their tasks? do you pick up a little something for your loved one while you’re out at the store? are you always giving hugs, pats on the back, or high fives?
4. Take the assessment!

Become more fluent in the love languages!

I don’t think there is any doubt that the music industry is changing – and has been for a while. In my lifetime we have gone from cassette tapes to CDs to mp3 players to smart phones to online streaming services. The way we listen to our music has all but killed the “ALBUM” as an art form. Everything seems to be driven by singles, playlists, and YouTube views.

THE KILLERS // HOT FUSS

BRAND NEW // THE DEVIL AND GOD ARE RAGING INSIDE ME

RELIENT K // MMHMM

THE AVETT BROTHERS // THE CARPENTER

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JIMMY EAT WORLD // BLEED AMERICAN

2001

Two words: “The Middle.” This has to be one of my all-time favorite songs. Every time it comes on, I’m singing along. “Don’t you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say!” But this album is packed full of amazing rock anthems and ballads. “The Sweetness” and “A Praise Chorus” get me pumped every time. “Hear You Me” and “My Sundown” get me emotional. Let me put it this way – most of the time I skip over “Hear You Me” because I don’t feel like fighting back tears right at the moment.

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YELLOWCARD // OCEAN AVENUE

2003

I consider this album the height of the early-2000s pop-punk era. When Yellowcard hit the scene, they blew us all away with their unique blend of punk, pop, and…is that a violin? Yes. Yes it is. And it was awesome. Ocean Avenue was my anthem album for more than one summer growing up. It’s the perfect summer rock album. It’s light, high energy, full of angst and romance and longing. I still find myself singing at the top of my lungs: “Here I Gooooo! Scream my lungs out and try to get to you. You are my only one!”

But on a more serious note, this album has one of the most emotional songs for me: “View from Heaven.” During my junior year of high school, our headmaster died in a car wreck on his way home after a basketball game. My friends and I spent a lot of time listening to, singing along with, and reflecting on this song.

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MUMFORD & SONS // SIGH NO MORE

2010

The acoustic, folksy music; old-fashioned, thoughtful lyrics; a gruff lead singer’s voice – I feel like I’m in a pub back in the old world during simpler times. The album starts off strong with title track “Sigh No More,” the lyrics of which are actually taken from the Shakespeare play Much Ado About Nothing. My other favorite songs on the album are “The Cave,” “Roll Away Your Stone,” and “Awake My Soul.” While the band members are not necessarily religious, their songs point toward something deeper to live for. They wrestle with God and religion and purpose in an interesting, deep, relatable way. I actually prefer this debut album to their second release, Babel, which won the Grammy for Album of the Year. I look forward to their rumored album release coming later this year.

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MXPX // BEFORE EVERYTHING AND AFTER

2003

Mike, Tom, and Yuri of MXPX have been doing their thing almost as long as I’ve been alive. They started out in 1992. When it comes to punk rock, they are about as straight forward as it gets. They have grown as a band and as an influence in the rock community while staying true to their power chord roots. If you want a fun punk album to sing, jump, and mosh to, just pick out any MXPX album and crank the volume to 11.

This particular album (Before Everything and After) holds a place in my heart because it came out the year my wife an I started dating. Many of the songs on this album are ones I associate with those early months of friendship and dating – songs like “Everything Sucks (When You’re Gone),” “Quit Your Life,” and “You Make Me Me.”

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BLINK-182 // BLINK-182

2003

Blink-182’s fifth album was the one that sealed the deal for me. I liked some of their earlier stuff (“All the Small Things” is one of my all-time favorite songs), but never considered myself a real fan. Their self-titled album hit all the right notes for me. It has the soaring punk anthems that make for a great Summer road trip. It has more contemplative, romantic power ballads. There’s just something about this entire album that feels different than most mainstream punk rock albums. It’s more experimental, more personal, a bit darker than what we were used to out of the band. They took a risk by going in a new direction, and it paid off big time.

I also really love their newest album, California, but it hasn’t sat with me quite the way this self-titled album has. But give it some more time and we’ll see.

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HONORABLE MENTION

Dashboard Confessions // A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar

Coldplay // Viva La Vida

Taking Back Sunday // Where You Want to Be

Linkin Park // Meteora

NF // Mansion

Five Iron Frenzy // The End Is Near

Sum 41 // All Killer, No Filler

Jack Johnson // In Between Dreams

Florence + the Machine // Ceremonials

Jack’s Mannequin // The Glass Passenger

As you can see, 2003-2006 was a formative time for me. I’ve heard it said that the music you listen to around your junior year of high school is the music that will stick with you. I believe it. Most of these bands have put out some good music since those days. But these are the ones that I would consider my Favorite.

What about you? What would you say are your top 10-ish albums? I’d love to know.

Do you ever wonder what you would do if you were placed in certain situations? Like, what would you do if you were stranded on a deserted island? Or what if you were in a plane crash? Or what if an older, quirky, English chap invited you to come with him into his small, blue police call box?

Now Adam had sexual relations with his wife, Eve, and she became pregnant. When she gave birth to Cain, she said, “With the Lord’s help, I have produced a man!” Later she gave birth to his brother and named him Abel. 

When they grew up, Abel became a shepherd, while Cain cultivated the ground. When it was time for the harvest, Cain presented some of his crops as a gift to the Lord. Abel also brought a gift—the best portions of the firstborn lambs from his flock. The Lord accepted Abel and his gift, but he did not accept Cain and his gift. This made Cain very angry, and he looked dejected. 

“Why are you so angry?” the Lord asked Cain. “Why do you look so dejected? You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master.” 

One day Cain suggested to his brother, “Let’s go out into the fields.” And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother, Abel, and killed him. (Genesis 4:1-8 | NLT)

You may have wanted to hurt or punish your sibling in some way. But I highly doubt you have ever been so angry that you wanted to literally kill them. Cain just could not get control over his emotional reaction.

It’s easy to sit back and point out what he should have done – gone back and sacrificed a better offering to God. But how many of us really take the time to think about what we should do?

God even warns him! This warning is for each and every one of us, too: Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master.


Emotions themselves are not sinful. But if we are not careful, then we can allow our emotions to gain too much control, leading to sinful reactions. Our emotions make great thermometers, letting us gauge ourselves internally so that we can respond appropriately. But too many of us let our emotions act more as thermostats, actually controlling what we do and how we react.

We must be in control of our emotions, not the other way around.

Hal Runkel, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and author of Scream-Free Parenting, says this: Emotional reactivity is our worst enemy when it comes to having great relationships.

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REACTING VS. RESPONDING

On the surface, react and respond seem like synonyms. But they are very different in practice. Check out this article by Scream-Free or this one by Psychology Today to find out the difference between reacting and responding. Here is the summary:

Reaction: automatic reflex; careless; shallow; driven by anxieties and fears; concerned about what’s best for me; short-sighted

Response: thoughtful; careful; measured; deep; concerned about what’s best for everyone; long-term impact

It all has to do with timing. Reactions happen within a split second. Before our brains can even process what’s happening, words or fists (or both) start flying. We literally don’t even know what we’re saying or doing when we react.

But if we take just a second or two (that’s seriously all it takes) for the decision making processes in our brain to catch up, then we can issue a controlled response.

Reactions escalate the situation. Responses typically de-escalte. Put another way, reactions often lead to the very outcome we were hoping to avoid!

A gentle answer deflects anger,
    but harsh words make tempers flare. (Proverbs 15:1 | NLT)

I really appreciate how YouTuber Preston Smiles explains it in this short video:

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EMOTIONAL FIRST RESPONDER

So how do we do this? How can we react less and respond more?

Bad news: It’s going to take a lot of work and discipline.
Good news: You CAN do it. It is POSSIBLE.
Bad news: You’re still going to mess up…a lot.
Good news: We can all have grace and forgiveness for each other.

A good way of thinking about reacting vs. responding is in the context of a car crash. If I were to be the first on the scene of a really bad wreck, I don’t know exactly what I would do. Hopefully I would have my wits about me enough to call 9-1-1. But I might panic and freak out (or even faint) if there was blood and carnage. I would be reacting to the scene – not really helping anybody.

But then the ambulance, paramedics, police, and fire fighters show up. They are the first responders.  They have gone through countless hours of training and preparation for situations like this. They have the skills, the tools, and the demeanor to respond quickly, appropriately, and efficiently to whatever comes their way.

It takes training and effort to become better at responding instead of reacting. But I think there are a few scriptures that are helpful.

And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil. (Ephesians 4:26-27 | NLT)

It’s not a sin to be angry. Let me repeat: Anger is not sinful. Reacting in anger can lead to sinful behavior – insults, abuse, etc. And the longer we let our anger fester, the worse it grows. A little interaction that leads to anger can morph into something much worse. You can begin assigning motives and reading into every little thing the person does. Suddenly, all your interactions are tinged with negativity. So don’t react in anger, but don’t keep your anger bottled up inside, either. Take some time to calm down, but then deal with it.

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. (James 1:19-20 | NLT)

Listen first. Always. And listen to understand. So many times we simply listen to reply. We listen in order to trap the other person in what they say. Or we simply stay quiet until they’re done so that we can get out what we wanted to say all along. SOOOOO many arguments could be avoided if we simply took time to listen – really listen – to each other. And often, if we do that then we can actually slow down our anger.

Finally, check out the words of Jesus:

“You have heard the law that says the punishment must match the injury: ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say, do not resist an evil person! If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also. If you are sued in court and your shirt is taken from you, give your coat, too. If a soldier demands that you carry his gear for a mile, carry it two miles. Give to those who ask, and don’t turn away from those who want to borrow. 

“You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much. If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else? Even pagans do that. But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect.”  (Matthew 5:38-48 | NLT)

Turn the other cheek?! Pray for your enemies?! In responding like this, instead of reacting, you will actually begin to achieve the results you were hoping for in the first place. Violence breeds more violence. We have a world that tells us to hit back harder. We have a world that tells us it’s us versus them. We have a world that is built upon reactions, perpetuating the cycle of violence and revenge.

But wouldn’t it be great if we could break the cycle of violence? We can begin by refusing to react in violence. Wouldn’t it be great if there were no bullies or aggressors or rivalries? We can begin by praying for our enemies and loving them by serving them.

See how much can begin to change if we simply took a moment to think through our response rather than simply reacting – or overreacting – to emotional situations?

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RELATIONSHIP GOALS

Try it this week. React less; Respond more.

Try it with your boyfriend/girlfriend; with your spouse; with your brother or sister (no matter how annoying they are!); with your friends (especially that one who likes to start all the drama); with your teachers; with your coaches and teammates; with the bullies and jerks.

See if you notice a difference. See if THEY notice a difference!

Say these things to yourself:

“I’m not sure what anyone else is going to do, but this is what I’m going to do.”

“I will not let anyone have control over my emotions. And I will not let my emotions have control over me.”